If you get jealous, “your thoughts tends to fill within the gaps with worst-case situations and assumptions that aren’t all the time grounded in details,” Quinlan explains — which is why she recommends difficult this narrative with logic. So earlier than assuming the worst of your accomplice and throwing out accusations, cease and ask your self: What different proof do I even have that they’re nonetheless caught on their ex? Chances are high, you’ll have a better time constructing a case for a way a lot they care about you — perhaps they supported you throughout a troublesome profession transition or despatched a considerate message this morning — which might put these doubts to relaxation, Quinlan says.
One other technique to put issues right into a extra rational perspective? Flip the script. Do I comply with any previous flings on social media, and does that imply something romantically? (In all probability not!) Over time, Reynolds says, an everyday fact-checking behavior will help remind you that your jealous ideas aren’t all the time correct or sensible.
3. Be intentional about prying into their romantic historical past.
Rehashing previous relationships collectively could be helpful — it’s a chance to mirror on what you realized from these previous experiences and what you need extra (or much less) of transferring ahead. That mentioned, understanding each little element about their wild intercourse life, say, or dissecting each struggle they’ve had most likely received’t do you any favours.
Earlier than you begin asking nosy questions, Reynolds says it’s value checking with your self first: What’s the purpose of understanding this proper now? As an example, will studying what number of instances every week they attached truly enhance your bed room life? Will it assist you perceive and assist your accomplice higher? Or will their response simply encourage a brand new picture you’re higher off not having in your thoughts?
As an alternative, she recommends reframing your curiosity into extra open-ended questions that’ll preserve the dialog productive and snug for everybody concerned. So swap “What did your ex try this pissed you off essentially the most???” with one thing like “Did your final relationship train you something about resolving conflicts or dealing with arguments normally?” (See how that tweak focuses on progress moderately than comparisons — and sounds an entire lot higher?)
4. Embrace what’s proper in entrance of you.
Top-of-the-line methods to maintain your accomplice’s previous relationships from overshadowing your happiness, in keeping with each specialists, is to shift your focus to the superb connection you may have within the current. “Bear in mind, the previous is up to now for a motive,” Quinlan says. “And it’s vital to recognise that they’re selecting to be right here with you now.”
You may keep grounded in your present scenario by practising gratitude for what (or who) you may have at present, she says — maybe by making an inventory in your notes app of what makes your bond particular and referencing it at any time when your retroactive jealousy creeps in. Or actively strengthen your connection by creating new reminiscences collectively: Plan a weekend getaway in a metropolis you’ve each been dying to discover, say, or flip occasional date nights right into a weekly custom. The extra you pour into your love life, the much less you’ll really feel the necessity to measure it in opposition to their previous.
5. Speak via your jealous ideas collectively.
Opening up about your emotions does not have to show right into a heated confrontation or a dramatic confession about your low vanity. It’s extra about dealing with challenges (on this case, retroactive jealousy) as a staff, moderately than letting it create distance between you.