Right here’s an extract from my ebook, How To not be a Supermodel. It’s taken from a chapter about mannequin castings and the bodily/sporting expertise I lied about having in an effort to try to bag some work. Might I play the drums, for instance? Positive:
Was I a pro-level ice-skater? Er, sure:
They have been needed little white lies, by the way in which, as a result of I used to be in possession of nearly no bodily expertise in any respect – I couldn’t jet-ski or surf, experience horses and even swim underwater – and had I not gone down the “faux it till you make it” route I’d have dominated out half of my job prospects.
On this chapter I find yourself in some compromising – but unusually zen – positions and utterly lose any shred of dignity I believed I had.
And so, with out additional ado: an extract (abridged) from How To not be a Supermodel.
When it got here to mannequin castings, I used to be completely happy to offer nearly something a go within the title of a hefty paycheque. There have been loads of expertise that have been in excessive demand, often ones I didn’t possess. Not that it mattered, apparently.
‘Babe,’ my agent, Texana, would say, ‘are you able to ski? It’s for Breitling watches and also you want to have the ability to slalom down into shot.’
‘I’ve by no means skied,’ I mentioned, ‘no.’
‘By no means?’
‘No.’
‘Babe, anybody can ski. Simply inform them you used to ski as a child, you’ll be tremendous.’
‘OK however once I get the job, absolutely I’ll then have to really ski?’
‘We’ll cope with that if it involves it.’
Or,
‘Hello darling,’ my different agent would say, ‘are you able to drive a scooter? . . .OK, but when push got here to shove?’
The worst ‘sporting pretender’ casting I did was one for a newly launched ladies’s sportswear model and their vary of yoga clothes. And the fault, this time, was totally with me.
‘Babe, do you do yoga?’ Texana requested once I phoned to test in for the subsequent day’s appointments.
‘Nope, however my mum teaches it.’
There was a pause.
‘OK babe, however . . . do you do yoga? It’s simply that for this casting, you’ll must undergo a sequence of poses so that you type of have to know the lingo.’
‘Yeah, I can do the positions,’ I mentioned, ‘the stretching up and the crossed legs. I can in all probability nonetheless do a headstand.’
‘Proper . . .’ mentioned Texana. ‘I simply . . . I’m cautious of getting a repeat of the beer industrial scenario.’
‘The place I did the Karate Child strikes?’
‘Oh my God, babe, what the hell. They mentioned it was like watching somebody drop acid after which attempt to battle themselves in a corridor of mirrors.’
‘Huh,’ I mentioned. ‘I’ll be certain I practise some yoga positions then.’
‘Poses, my babe,’ mentioned Texana. ‘They’re referred to as poses.’
‘Concern not,’ I mentioned. ‘I’m limbering up as we communicate. Stepping into for the warrior canine and the downward spiral.’
The yoga casting passed off in a dance studio, superbly vibrant with sunshine streaming in by two full-length home windows, mirrored from a wall of mirrors onto the picket flooring. The shoppers, three pleasant ladies of their thirties or maybe forties have been seated behind a desk that was piled with mannequin portfolios. They regarded very serene, hair loosely pulled into ballerina buns or flowing onto shoulders, all of them clothed within the form of smooth materials and delicate colors that make your individual garments look as if they’ve been stolen from an eighteenth-century vampire.
‘Pretty to fulfill you, Ruth,’ the primary shopper mentioned. ‘We’ve been determined to ebook you for a marketing campaign so it’s good that this yoga vary could possibly be a great match. You’ve received precisely the look that we wish.’
‘We’ll begin with the warrior pose,’ mentioned shopper quantity two, placing on some spa music.
Warrior pose? What an earth was this? Couldn’t they only see me within the leggings and crop prime and be glad with that? Absolutely on the shoot day somebody might simply prepare my legs and arms?
‘It’s vital for us,’ mentioned shopper quantity three, ‘that whoever we use genuinely practises yoga.’
Oh.
‘We actually need the marketing campaign to really feel genuine and for the pictures to name out to our clients – we’re not only a model utilizing fashions who look good in our garments, we’re a model utilizing fashions who will put on our clothes in actual life. Precise sportswomen, athletes, mountaineers, and also you, hopefully, as our skilled yogi.’
Wait. What?
‘Yogi?’
‘Let’s get began and see how the samples look,’ mentioned shopper two. ‘I can’t wait to attempt the taupe harem pants on you.’
For warrior, I pretended to carry a spear in a single hand and put the opposite on my hip. In equity, it wasn’t 1,000,000 miles away from the proper pose: I’d put my legs in a robust, wide-apart stance that regarded comparatively convincing, really. Bending ahead pose was fairly self-explanatory and, miraculously, I really knew the bridge. It was when the opposite poses, the extra summary names, got here alongside that the shit actually hit the proverbial fan. Who would ever have thought that ‘mountain pose’ can be ‘standing up straight’? What mountain is tall and skinny and never massive and spherical, like a boulder? Which might clearly make extra sense, explaining utterly why an individual would suppose that they need to flip themselves into a giant ball, hugging their knees and tucking their head between their legs . . .
‘OK,’ mentioned shopper two, with simply the slightest tremor of confusion in her voice, ‘let’s transfer on to the downward- going through canine.’
I imply, how would a canine face downwards? Isn’t it already largely down-facing, because of the truth that it walks on 4 legs?
‘That’s extra the cow pose,’ mentioned shopper one, ‘however with 4 straight legs. I’m unsure I’ve ever seen it like that however OK. Let’s now transfer into the kid’s pose.’
Nicely. Even underneath such intense strain my thoughts was spraying out concepts left proper and centre, God bless it. It had sensed excessive profession hazard and had risen to the event, offering pose options to each immediate with solely ever a second or two’s hesitation. It was as if I used to be on a bizarre model of Charades Mastermind, by which the presenter referred to as out a random phrase and I needed to work out which motion would possibly presumably – as in, a one in a thousand likelihood – be the proper match.
By no means had my thoughts and physique needed to work so exhausting as one. And now, after the cow and the downward canine and a mountain pose and a ship pose (which I had been fairly happy with, seeing as if I’d managed to make use of my arms as oars and one leg as a mast) I had one final problem. The kid’s pose.
‘Do . . . you want any assist?’ requested shopper three, as I stood quietly upon the mat, eyes closed, inhaling by my nostril and out by my mouth. Shopping for time.
‘No,’ I mentioned, eyes nonetheless closed, fingers over my ears, as a result of it simply felt proper, ‘I’m tremendous thanks, I’m doing a little breathwork earlier than I do the subsequent place.’
What poses did youngsters do? There was the foetal sleeping place, which didn’t appear stretchy sufficient to be a yoga pose and so was my least favoured choice, after which I had considered skipping. However you couldn’t maintain a skipping pose, or skip in sluggish movement, except you needed to appear like an entire fruitcake, in order that one wasn’t doubtless both. Youngsters preferred to climb bushes, however I’d performed the tree pose with my branches stretched out and my toes wriggling into the ground like roots (good contact!) and so what have been the probabilities they’d get me to repeat myself? No, it must be my fourth alternative and I used to be fairly assured about it as a result of to this point, they hadn’t requested me for both of my stable, tried-and-tested yoga strikes. And I wasn’t mad eager on doing a headstand in entrance of them, and so I dropped down into essentially the most infantile pose of all, the place that each one under-tens should undertake for hours within the education week, in a corridor stinking of boiled greens: sitting cross-legged.
‘Er,’ mentioned shopper one.
‘Uhm,’ mentioned quantity two.
‘I’m unsure that’s fairly the one we’re after,’ mentioned shopper three, as I clumsily rose to standing place, or ‘regular pose’.
‘It’s alright,’ I mentioned, ‘I do know that my kind of yoga’s not for everybody.’
How To not be a Supermodel is out there in hardback, e-book and audiobook right here. Should you’re not within the UK, please be aware that Waterstones ship worldwide. At time of writing there are a restricted variety of signed first editions out there at Toppings right here.
