Am I improper for considering it is a deal-breaker?
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Expensive James,
I’m a 73-old-woman who has been relationship a person of the identical age. We get alongside famously aside from one downside: His earlier girlfriend nonetheless lives in his residence, which he left to permit her to proceed residing there. For greater than a yr, he has been staying at a good friend’s second residence, however now it’s time for him to return to his personal home. This implies he’ll quickly be residing along with his ex, as he refuses to vary the scenario. Why? Her monetary scenario just isn’t good, and he feels responsible. He doesn’t appear to know why I might have an issue with any of this, as he professes to be in love with me. However I don’t assume I can proceed this relationship so long as he’s residing along with his previous girlfriend. Am I being unreasonable?
Expensive Reader,
Effectively, individuals come to all kinds of bonkers preparations to get via this life collectively, don’t they? Two within the basement, one within the attic; three days on this condominium, 4 in that; I’ll take the sofa, you’re taking the mattress, she’ll transfer to Sweden, and the canine can sleep the place he likes. However for the bonkers association to work, all events have to subscribe to roughly the identical model of actuality.
Which isn’t the case right here. You and your boyfriend—and I’m portray a pleasant, probably utterly inaccurate, image of him in my thoughts: a hater of change, a pleaser of individuals, a postponer of selections, slothful, benevolent, a person after my very own coronary heart, actually—have reached the previous Frostian fork, the place the place the 2 roads diverge.
Why can’t all of us simply get alongside? he desires to know. You, me, my ex-girlfriend, and the mailman who stops in for tea. What’s so sophisticated about that?
However to you, it’s insanity. His ex-girlfriend? Residing with him in his home? Sharing a house with him, a home house that also has bits of their previous relationship mendacity round in it like used automobile elements, a carburetor right here and a windshield wiper there? It’s an insupportable scenario. And I believe you must belief your self right here. Your boyfriend is appearing up. He says he’s in love with you, however he’s not doing an excellent job of listening to you—listening to you, as the youngsters say.
My recommendation: Kick him round a bit, metaphorically talking. He might have developed thick, woolly layers of insulation round his mind to guard him from the painfulness and issue of life. You have to penetrate them, batter or needle your approach via them. Assist him perceive how foolish he’s being. He’ll get it, finally, or he gained’t. And if he doesn’t, you’ll know what to do.
Dancing from one issue to a different,
James
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